Mar 01

Everyone at D.M.'s job thinks he has a cold…or throat cancer. Little do they know he's moonlighting as bluesman Cole Slaw Walker. 

Todd's getting drunk on Sam's Club sangria. It's Spanish. Or "Spanish". 

Dig a hole in Brooklyn and you'll just get dirty…and find a Cherry magnate's drug den. 


Birdman is fucking awesome! Two and a Half Men ends its sh*tty run with the sh*ttiest ending to a sitcom ever. 

Voice mails rain down on the dads from Vegas and New York City. An email from Pennsylvania that somehow leads into a deep conversation on lube-free masturbation. 

Leave us a voicemail at (347) 766 - FUOM and we'll read it on the air!


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Feb 27

Welcome to a very special minisode of WDP that will throw you into an existential crisis. The Dads are getting old and don't want to die, but they're going to, relatively soon.

Have a great weekend.


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Feb 24
Update time - in one of his trademark fits of pique, Matt kills a guy at a musical.  Then he gets shot by a cop in a parking garage. Okay, that's slightly exaggerated.

And at Todd's house - INCESSANT WHINING.  Just what you want in your earholes this morning!

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Feb 22

What a surprise, D.M.'s missing again…

Matt buys a computer on Amazon because it was time for his current piece of technology to break.

Matt then goes to the Lesbian/Swedish section of Chicago for Mexican/Korean fair.

The dads discuss broasting…deep frying pressure cooker. What could possibly go wrong?

"SNL 40" demonstrated that SNL has been around so long that no single generation can appreciate the comedy of the entire forty years. Rolling Stone's list of SNL players is about as good as their last piece on UVA.

Lots of voice mails, too!


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Feb 19

Everybody is sledding, and Viva has a need for speed, but can Matt find a f@#$ing sled anywhere in greater Chicagoland?

Todd's 3rd grade daughter is in AP Trigonometry and no one can stop it.

And DM is trapped in a snowed in house all weekend with two toddlers, no wife, and not enough bullets.  What to do?

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Feb 17

Lots more hate this week from our listeners on the voice mail! Hooray!

Comics are dead, but Marvel will live forever on screen. DC Comics might die, though.

Just like Ray Charles' or Johnny Cash's dad might have said, "The wrong pigeon died." He would be right, because we all ate the carrier pigeon.

Rivers near Chicago are being overrun by Asian Carp. Too bad they're not being overrun by the slightly more tasty Garbage Fish. 

Todd shaves with 5 blades. Matt uses 2. D.M. uses a butter knife covered in broken glass. 

Get it together, Staten Island. 

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Feb 13
Magneto and Picard eat horrible East Coast hot dogs.

"Polock Johnny's"  this is a thing?  Jesus, Baltimore. You don't even spell it right.

Nikki Engel is the cold miser.

And George Lucase never heard a pun that didn't go over his head.

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Feb 11
Enjoy an aborton of cabbage at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Todd starts working out, and his favorite exercise is named after a seed catalog.  And the Dads wonder if a stair machine at the gym is just too much machine.

Matt needs his car battery replaced but doesn't know how to do stuff.
Then his neighborhood snow dicks pull their shovelling party bullshit again.

And D.M. wonders if his neighbors hate him for making his wife shovel the driveway.

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Feb 08

So much happening on page one these days! Monday morning hate calls from our favorite listeners, more bathtub drunk dials about 80's reincarnation movies, and more!

Taxes on Amazon? Goddamazon!

Weird state laws!

And a listener sends us a Swedish genital training video!

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Feb 06
You've earned a Bonus!

One of Dave's daughters hates winter, and all the Dads hate Janeane Garofalo.

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Feb 04
It's penis, penis, penis, penis, penis all day long at the Rocco house.

D.M. is still being called the office kitchen pirate of Syracuse, and he also threw his neck out sleeping. Is scrote chum the answer?

And Todd's wife becomes a sexy rock star, and now they're starting a Fleetwood Mac tribute band.

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Feb 01

Steamed vagina? Sounds like a delightful dim sum.

"The Flying Polack" curses our nation's tall ships.

Angry callers!

Remember Transformers? Remember Megatron's wang?

Measles - stop causing it, assholes.



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Jan 30
Triple Cheeseburgers?  That's triple the pleasure!

This week on Bonus, the Dads talk "Dairy Queen", the only major chain that regularly goes out of business.... but why are there none in Syracuse?  Does Engel live in the Non-Dairy Belt?  Your hosts go to the DQ Map to find out.

Then Todd goes to get ice cream with snickers in it, because TODD.

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Jan 28
Todd tries to be a winner at the game of life. His daughter collects babies.

Matt tries to be a winner at the game of Lego Terror Drome, but he resorts to superglue. And Viva stages the great GI Joe/Cobra Cocoa Truce.

Oh, and Todd and Matt discuss their shared disturbance over "The Neverending Story".

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Jan 25

On this episode, we learn that Todd Jay is the Jenny McCarthy of dog owners.

Is looking for Podcasts on the Apple de app dead? Probably.

Todd and Matt discuss the new “Dark Little Angels” line of Jessica Alba diapers. Matt tries to buy Viva some “Frozen” ice pop makers, which is an impossible task, like one hand clapping.

Todd's Chicago accent becomes the start of the show as they Dads discuss Cadbury Cream Egghazi.

And on the Voice Mail Line (DIP POO FUOM) – HATE MAIL for “Middle Aged Men Fumbling Through IMDB-Cast”!!!!

Give us a call at 347-766-FUOM to join the dogpile!

And of course, that calls lead to... more fumbling through IMDB! Beverly Hills" something...


The DuPage Childrens Museum flooded, and Matt's house is next.

And Matt and Todd discuss "Disney Collector" and get very jealous over making 4 million dollars opening toys.

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Jan 23

The Scientology discussion continues with Kirstie Alley and a Pretend Spaceship Navy wedding.

Speaking of missing people - where is Richard Simmons?  And was Richard Simmons ever really in on the whole Richard Simmons thing?  And how long have their been "out" celebs?  And can the dads make Charles Nelson Reilly noises?

Finally, D.M. decided to just push his ancient Nordic track into the street.


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Jan 21
The Roccos go to an Italian restaurant in time for MLK day, but Viva's dream has all Italians looking the same.

And Matt sustains a sexy injury.

It's everyone's favorite season on White Dad Problems - Jube Jel season - but has Todd's obsession made him a threat to himself and others?!!!

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Jan 19

Does Marky Mark get a pardon? How about Donny Mark?

Todd eats magic berries, and it makes all his sugary foods taste sugarier.

ISIS babies, you make our dreams come true.

Michael Rice calls and has an aneurism over Matt's Ludditism.

And D.M. realizes he spent his whole 30's fat... will 80's exercise equipment help?


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Jan 16
John Travolta debuts new weird hair things. Will Xenu strike down our show?

All this and more on our weird Friday outtake show...

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Jan 14
Sesquicentennial Cake Party Part 2!

Matt and Melissa miss a field trip and become the friendless couple at Hipster Nursery School.  Then they piss off the Fake Neighborhood Association.  The Matt falls down and breaks his ribs.

Todd, in the meantime, paints his Master Bedroom after 9 years, and it doesn't win him any points with the wife at all, despite his Frost-Free Sillcock.

And listen for the greatest interpretation of "Into the Woods" you've ever heard.

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Jan 11

This is the 150th week of new content from the Dads!  Love them or hate them, they've pushed out a lot of stuff.  Enjoy this sesquicentennial fake radio non-broadcast!

Matt and Todd eat a sesquicentennial cake and try to pack some fudge for D.M.

Nicholas Sparks is getting a divorce.  Who will take care of him?

Some call it a "slingbox".

The Doggone girl is Kanye's.

Must we all love Meryl Streep?

We DO all love Fat Damon, but not Old Batman.

Was Jesus tall?  Was Paul a Doubting Thomas?

D.M.'s girls run roughshod over the house all night, until Nikki comes up with a terrifying way of keeping them in bed.

And the Dads are all too old and injured and out of shape to lift their children.

Here's to 150 more.


And listen for the greatest interpretation of "Into the Woods" you've ever heard.

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Jan 09
Bond. James Bond. SPACE James Bond.

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Jan 07

Professor Foster forgot to pack the Christmas gravy, but Matt already used up his emergency gravy! Gravy apocalypse!

At the Rocco house, it's too many toys, too many princesses, and a lousy naive Santa who forgets to pre-assemble.

At the Jay house, it's MORE FLOODING, because Todd love flooding.  He loooooves it.


And listen for the greatest interpretation of "Into the Woods" you've ever heard.

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Jan 04

Welcome back Podbean's 2nd most downloaded Kids and Family Podcast in 2014!  Hindi kid's stories, we're coming for you!

It's the last episode recorded in 2014, and DM wanted to get one last "sleeping through the show" in - which he did!


Meanwhile, Matt tries to complete every toy set his daughter loses pieces to on Amazon (Goddamazon!). Blame the completionist genes.

Todd and Kelly needs to give each kid EXACTLY the right number of gifts, even if they have to set fire to a few.

Both Matt and his wife and Todd and his wife are trying to find new television shows to watch together.  It would probably easier just to divorce.  Matt invents an all Jeopardy questions channel: AQN, the All Question Network.

And a listener in Nebraska tries "Full House" based on Todd's recommendation and ends up ugly crying.  Don't blame John Posey... he got fired.


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Dec 29
It's the holidays, but we're avoiding stuffing your stocking with crappy old reruns by instead stuffing you with crappy outtakes.  This time we talk about crappy "Rent" lyrics and even crappier country lyrics about "Christmas Shoes."  Christmas shoes?!

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Dec 24
D.M.'s computer will smell like hazelnut forever.

Todd is trying to figure out what his kids think about Santa, and should he just let them learn the truth on the street like they did about sex.

Matt saw a record two movies - the terrifying, "The Babadook" - which made him wonder if a Kickstarter campaign to create a cursed book that make you kill your kids is a good idea, and "Interstellar" - which D.M. and Matt both agree was good until it was incredibly stupid.

No sex, please, we're Christopher Nolan.  And Todd can't sit through a movie without peeing, mostly because he drinks all the pop. ALL THE POP.

And Marky Mark impressions.

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Dec 22
Here's a new episode by one of Podbean's Top 10 Most Popular Podcasts of 2014 (Kids and Family).  Tell all your "Serial" loving friends to listen.

Matt and D.M. think the comments section on iTunes is broken, but Todd thinks America has just gotten lazy.

D.M. wants the Kim Jong Un exploding head reinstated on DVD. He loves Amazon Prime for last minute Christmas shopping, and used it to get a "pick popper" for Christmas - a gift miles beyond useless.

A listener writes in asking for our tips on what to do in Chicago around New Years - and the Dads main answer is "Don't come to Chicago for New Years."  And D.M. shares the worst New York New Year's story ever.

Michael Rice debates the Dads distaste for legs, and a mystery caller dislikes out balls.

And in Syracuse, D.M. has a coffee drenched computer, a vanity that won't be arriving for Christmas, and a white couch covered in blue slime.  I have a machine gun now, ho ho ho.

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Dec 17
It's a poopier episode than usual this week, but first, Matt can't get Viva to bed and asks Todd if they pain will ever stop.  Then he tells a story about Viva asking where boys pee out of - prompting Todd to tell us his "I'll show you mine if you show me yours story."

Todd is hell bent on getting his foster dog to stop eating poop, even if he has to eat pumpkin and then poop all over his own yard.

At an Ellie sleepover, Todd observes the bossiness and horrible improv troupe that is little girls, and wonder what the term is for a group selfie.  Grelfie? Usie? Wewe?

Oh, and we discover the horror of the "Kentucky Hot Brown."

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Dec 15
The Dads are back and they're pre-ordering some Nut Gloves, and D.M. moves his junk regularly to prevent permanent bend.

A caller asks what he should do in New York City... the Dads advise casual sex.

Then Viva invades the show to talk about Apollonia, and the Dads listen to the "Misfits of Science" theme song.

Then Viva invades the show again - if the Elf on the Shelf catches her, she's screwed.  And the Dads debate the origin and purpose of said fucking elf.  Todd builds a giant advent set with thousands of doors.  Thousands of empty doors.

D.M. gets a frantic call from his wife, who, unfortunately did not kill the kids, but rather submerged their computer in a wading pool full of coffee. They probably lost ten months of photos of their kids... but then they realized they don't fucking care.  Does this mean he doesn't have to buy her something for Christmas?

Oh, and isn't it getting easier and easier to leave your kids unattended in dangerous situations as they get older?

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Dec 12
Today on our Special Edition, the Dads talk prequels, sequels, and "Open Water", which DM is determined to ruin for anyone who comes near him.

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Dec 10
D.M.'s wife drags one of the twin's beds down the hall in a minor mental breakdown.  Then Dave assumes a new identity to screw with a fake Nigerian banker, Sir Kofi Agogo from Lome, Togo,  that's been trying to get the Dads the fortune from their dead uncle, Victor Dad Problems.

Todd has fostered a new dog, and his wife doesn't like it... probably because it vomits feces everywhere.  Is it headed for the great farm in the sky that may or may not be under his sod?

And Caleb, the Ghost Boy in Matt's house comes back in the form of an evil keyboard.  Then Matt watches Black Rockettes and Chicago's shitty Thanksgiving Parade, because Chicago doesn't do holidays well.

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Dec 07
Very funny show today.  Beginning with Kim Kardashian's butt, the word "callipygian," and just who is "Fellatio O'Malley"?

Then we talk Cards Against Humanity and sending feces in the mail.

Next - terrorist pancakes!  Then, polish up your Date Balls!

We get a call from OperaNow!'s Michael Rice, who calls us out on our weird Grandpa bullshit about HDTV's - so we spout some more!

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Dec 05
On today's stewmeat of an episode, Todd and Matt discuss "Discount Chuck E. Cheese's" they have known and their cobbled together pizza-bots.

Is anything sadder than a dying strip mall?  Perhaps a half empty new strip mall?

And who eats at Drive-Thru Panera?  People who want lap burns!

When aliens come back, they'll marvel at how much me must have loved McDLTs.

Todd schools Matt on his Taco Bell references being 20 years out of date.

Why doesn't trashy financial consultant Peter Francis Geraci sell tacos?  He already works out of an abandoned Taco Bell.

McRib comes back when it wants to, sometimes with the pork cut with sawdust,

And with the price of beef being what it is, Todd thinks cutting his family's burgers with sawdust doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

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Dec 02
On Part 2 - Much talk of cranberry sauce.

Matt can't figure out how many of these fucking Glitter Gliders to buy, or what respectable gift to get his daughter.  The Dads discuss it for a while, then decide on something horrible... ceramic birds, I think.

And Todd's son puts the SCENT in adolescent.  What to do about it?

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Nov 30

D.M. is driving away because... well, fuck that guy.  Matt and Todd hold down the fort and beg you for money, then talk about the hottest things on Goddamazon right now...

,.. not to mention the one thing Matt wants on Black Friday (hint: it rhymes with Shmee shmi shmo shmegos.)

Then, YOU folks call in, and ask about the exquisite, "Too Many Cooks", which turns into talk of the new Lenny Kravitz "Fly Away" video and the divine unroll me. Another of you asks about us doing a live show... help us do it!

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Nov 26
I suppose "Joey Loves Chachi" would be better to the ear, but it was Jesse who loves Chachi.

In part 2, Matt's Dad explodes, then crushes Matt's hand with his grip of death.  Matt considers buying him a helper monkey, but then Todd and Matt research "Monkey Shines".  Then they reminisce on "Chopping Mall" and other VHS classics.

Todd is ready to ask "whatever happened to predictability" this Christmas with a Full House boxed set - featuring Charles in Charge... or is it Chachi, as a visiting friend!

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Nov 24

It's a new episode!  Give thanks!

D.M. laments the lack of artist's colonies, the lack of new ideas after 30, and Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Viva wants Glitter Gliders.

Ceci poops - but where?  Engel can't "power through" with his daughters making noise.  Lack of water proofing is a horrible trait in a tarp.

And D.M. gets propositioned, forcing him to remember the dark algebra of singles bars.

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Nov 21
D.M. and Todd wait for Matt as Todd coughs to death and Bill Cosby rapes everybody.

Meanwhile, Bono gets in a bike wreck and, tragically, survives to make more music that sounds like old music.

More Ebola deaths, and more snow in Buffalo.  And Summer is a shootin' time.

Why do people even live in Buffalo? ...alcoholism.

D.M. gives marital advice: go to bed angry.

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Nov 19

This week has been insane for the three of us dads. No recording took place, and so here's a Thanksgiving episode from last year just to get you in the mood to rape and murder an entire race of people (or at least celebrate like you did). Enjoy!


* * *

Todd wonders how much longer Santa will be coming to his house. All the dads hate Santa for many reasons, mostly because he gets all the cred for the sweet gifts.

Speaking of Santa, his friend the tooth fairy came to Todd's house again, and again Todd screwed the whole thing up. This story is probably going down as a White Dad Problems all time classic!

Matt's monitor is either a portal to the past, a portal to the future, or possessed by the demon boy Caleb. Any way you look at it, he's screwed.  Plus he was home alone last week, sadly baking lasagna after lasagna while receiving prank copies of "Every Day with Rachel Ray" from his friends.

Then a hippie tells him they will "smell ya later" and he strokes out.

Tune in Friday

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Nov 16

This week has been insane for the three of us dads. No recording took place, and so here's a Thanksgiving episode from last year just to get you in the mood to rape and murder an entire race of people (or at least celebrate like you did). Enjoy!

                                  *    *    *

You survived your camp out in the Best Buy parking lot?  Just lost 4 toes but got a flat screen for $100?  Good for you.

We've got a sexy new listener in Syracuse named "Courtney Cakes" and she likes us, especially when we mock Syracusian yard pipes!

Really Beastie Boys?  Really Goldiblocks?  This is the dumbest fight ever.

D.M. prepares to travel to see family and mooch a bed, which he hates.  He also hasn't slept in a long time.... a looooong time.  Matt used to not sleep, and he got off on the sickness. Speaking of sickness, D.M. contemplates whether or not he has bipolar disorder, and it's the funniest examination of the gradual unravelling of a human being since Anna Nicole died in front of her child.

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Nov 14
It's a live Bonus as Matt and Todd shiver in a car.  They talk college dorm shower horrors, roommates with runaway girlfriends, classy dorm furniture, and insidious car smells!

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Nov 12
Updates time - Todd teaches us the cool new way of napping.

Matt watches a movie about a haunted mirror and realizes that he is too old to ever be loved.

And an exhausted D.M. reveals that his wife cheaped out on Halloween and is the worst mother ever.

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Nov 09

You know what Haunted Houses need more of?  Rape clowns. And that's just what Todd's town got...

Matt buys Thanksgiving decorations because he hates having money.  Everyone needs to stop buying thing

...and what's all this about "basic bitches?"

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Nov 07
Todd tells kids at the end of Halloween Night, "Take a handful." D.M. can't take the candy that Todd puts inside of his face.

D.M. is speaking quietly because he's on hall duty, making sure his children don't wake up his exhausted wife.

The dads listen to "The Worst SNL sketch ever". Which isn't at all the worst SNL sketch ever. It's actually pretty good for sitcom writing. The dads wonder, "Why Keenan Thompson?"

Next, dads discuss the Olive Garden "Pasta Eating Contest".

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Nov 05
Todd's daughter has completed her pirate musical, and even though her dad is a pirate and a musical director, she won't let him help.  He gives her an astrolabe for a cast gift.

Matt and Todd discuss scheduling sex - they are against it, but it may be a necessary evil.

Matt gets the flu instead of getting sex with his wife, and he takes the time off of parenting to try and unsubscribe from "Discount Ramps".

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Nov 03
The Dads talk Halloween decorations, and the glut of shitty decorations in this world.

They also talk Monster Cereals - even the Mummy and the Werewolf ones.

ISIS has mad social.

D.M. goes to New York and feels alive for a few minutes, then he drives home and his whole family empties all their body fluids into his RAV4.

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Oct 31
Happy Halloween!  Eat your kids mini-Twixes while you listen to these bits!

The Dads talk White Jesus, and Matt's time as a stunt double for the Lord.

Then they try to take a radio style break, and you learn why they aren't on the real radio.

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Oct 29

D.M. and Todd do a mini-episode and talk Amazon hatchets, Gamergate, World of Warcraft Black Friday sales, Dads in the delivery room, and much, much more!

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Oct 26

Hey everyone! We couldn't get it together this week to bring you the quality programming you've come to expect. So, check back on Wednesday with a brand new episode.

In the meantime, check out our catalogue of episodes you're sure to enjoy. Hell, maybe send us an email at whitedadproblems@gmail.com, or a voice mail at (347) POO-FUOM.

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Oct 24
Viva hallucinates bugs. RUN.

Giant skateboards, tiny skateboards - anything but regular skateboards, bro.

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