Jul 28

This week Matt turns off his Amazon Mom account because Viva is almost over diapers - but just what are Pull-Ups?  Some worthless tweener?  The Dads debate.

A twelve year old Todd picked up chicks with the magic of prog rock and bad weed.

Speaking of Todd, he experiments with shaving his goatee, which causes his family not to love him.

Then we invent "Movember: Thirty Days of Cock" - or 31 on Leap Cock.

We ask our gay listeners - stubble on stubble - is it extra painful? Is it a protective layer?  Is it loud? whitedadproblems@gmail.com

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Jul 25
Here's the hidden track on our album of funny.

The Rocco Family goes to Thorndale Beach on the 4th of July and nearly get blown up by illegal fireworks.

Todd is an old hand at watching illegal fireworks, and he spends most of the summer watching roofs catch fire.

D.M. is amazed that in this day and age there are still illegal fireworks, after all, this is the world where they don't want you to drive tired.

And Todd suggest selling "banana bags" to drunk drivers.

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Jul 23

Here's a great new episode for the Todd lovers out there.  Both of you.

Todd locks up his children's skin disease and throws them back in the public waterways.

Then he completely gives up on his vitality and buys a birdfeeder, so he can give $15 worth of seeds a day to birds. But not the black ones (racist!!!!!).

He also has a new way to eat ice cream every day, and has convinced Matt's daughter that ice cream > fruit.

Speaking of Viva, she will pee on your floor and not care one bit.  She's the honey badger of peeing on floors.

And Matt sees a billboard for "abortion juice."  Tasty.

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Jul 21

We're back after a midsummer hiatus. Well, most of most of us are back - Engel is several pounds down after a, shall we say, eventful destination wedding in the Dominican Republic.  There will be blood... and feces.  Lots of blood and feces. And third world hospitals. And lots of yelling in broken Spanish. And blood and feces.

We also talk rat (or maybe lion) poison, handjobs on airplanes, and D.M.'s kids growing past needing their parents.

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Jul 18
I run. You run. We all run - for reruns!

We'll be back Monday - enjoy this old crap!

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On Part 3, Viva pees in the potty, but not before using her potty topper as a life preserver.  Todd suggests Matt and D.M. get a "Squatty Potty", because the correct anorectal angle make you poop faster. D.M. thinks pooping faster will take the only moment of peace in a Dad's life and make it shorter.

Then... "butt hymen."

Finally, Matt gets shouted at by another stranger, but this time it isn't a hippie or a vagrant, it's some dick in Starbucks who may or may not hate kids.

...and you get to hear the infamous story of Matt's nearly homicidal fight with another Dad in an outlet mall parking lot.

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Jul 16
We're back Monday with new stuff!  Here's old stuff!  And read our latest at Chicago Parent!

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Todd has decided to bequeath some old possessions to his children, including his old comic strip collections and his makeup Kaboodle, bringing up the questions:
1. Was Garfield ever funny?
2. Was Calvin and Hobbes good?
3. Why so many cows, Gary Larson?
4. Family Circus mom - hot?
5. Why does Matt's mom want him to be gay SO MUCH?

But before that, a discussion of BUTT DISEASES old and new, and what to store in that Butt Hold?

D.M.'s in-laws dumped a world of Christmas lights on him, and he's always the last to know schedule changes.  Now he's working not to screw his daughters over on their Christmas birthdays.

Speaking of birthdays, how come teachers got to beat kids on their birthdays in the 70s and 80s, and frequently touched their butts?  That's weird.

Finally we examine D.M.'s gnarly 80's boners.

Don't forget: Second Knuckle for Good Luckle.

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Jul 13
We took 4th of July week off to get our hands grafted back onto our wrists, so no new shows this week!  Instead, listen to this one from January and here what was happenin' then.  (Or listen to last weeks episodes that we fucked up and posted late.)

New episodes Monday!

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The Dads are back with the first new episode of 2014, and their first new episode past the 100 mark, and it's a doozy - and a three parter!

First off it's a winter time breakdown of the infamous Santa Claus monologue from "Gremlins."

Next the Dads, with the help of some listeners, figure out what happened to Pudding Pops.  We also learn that Matt doesn't know how pudding is made, and that if Todd and Dave ever lived together, they would almost instantly become codependent and Circus fat.

The Dads discuss what a bad idea it is to work with your wife, and how it would be like olfactory fatigue for happiness.

Speaking of happiness, did you know that Todd and his wife once had so much trouble sleep training their kid that they called a SUICIDE HOTLINE?  Listen, ye new parents, and weep.

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Jul 11
In this week's bonus the dads discover three reasons why your wife will cheat on you. Somehow they left off "contempt over road-trip music." Todd thinks cheating is too much work. Dave wonders what it would be like to not love his family, so he could run around town nailing anything that walks on two legs, but he's become too attached follow through.

Then Dave wonders how much it sucked if flat feet kept you out of WWII and you had to spend the rest of your life watching everyone else be in a parade every other day.

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Jul 09
Listen to the end for the newest and greatest WDP invention!  We're going to win Shark Tank for sure!

It's the "Night of the Slugs" in Chicago as Matt accidentally infests the neighborhood with no-shell snails - hopefully his new RAT problem will counteract the slugs.  The Dads suggest rat traps, and Matt tries to call Rahm Emanuel about it.

Todd's daughter's thigh virus ruins a trip to Florida, but he saves enough money from not taking his kids to the doctor to buy a grill.

And for a present, Todd gets the "Launchpad", an iPad case you can bone.  Then he makes beer can chicken.

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Jul 07
If you didn't get blown up over the weekend, listen to our new episode.

Matt buys a "soil knife."  Soil never stood a chance.

Everyone is fighting about IED's in their vaginas.

D.M. installs an air conditioner in a second floor window.  Guess what happens next?

Now he's fleeing to DR to be a priest.

Oh, and "Engel's on the Move" again, as his giant vintage car comes across the country for him.

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Jul 04
It's our special 4th of July Bonus!  What are the Dads up to?

Matt Rocco says he and Professor Foster are "bad 4th people", because his wife won't swim and he doesn't like fireworks. For the baby's sake, they will play the famous Chicago game, "Fireworks or Gunfire".

Todd will go to Chicago Heights to get blown up in their famous dangerous fireworks show, which is highlighted by a display they call, "Giant Sphere of Gasoline."

D.M. isn't going to tell his daughters there is a 4th, so he doesn't have to do anything.

Then Todd talks about getting separated from the grown ups at "A Capitol Fourth" and soiling himself on the Metra.

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Jul 02
Our server pooped the bed this week, so if you haven't heard Episode 126.1 yet, go back and give it a listen, then listen to this part, an especially funny episode in which the Dads try to decide what sport might be most acceptable for their daughters. Todd's daughter only wants to play "Competitive Travel Art", Dave thinks tennis players are fat, and Matt thinks gymnasts are "body monsters".

Then Todd brings Matt a bid bowl of sherbet disguised as a watermelon, which his wife wants out of the house. Todd likes it, but wishes they'd genetically modify a seedless variety.

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Jun 30

Trojan say what you really want for your birthday is anal just before work. This is certainly true if you are a monster and your wife hates herself.

Matt starts the show from his car. It sounds like radio. Remember radio? It sucked.

Soccer also sucks, and if you like the World Cup, you have horrible taste.

Matt's daughter now knows what death is, which bums him out, but it's best that she finds out before she accidentally shoots him, and before she goes to grade school and has to do school shooter drills.  Life is awful.

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Jun 27
Welcome to bonus, the best part of your Friday! Todd and Dave discuss the delicate balance of napping, and how too little or too much can ruin your day.

Matt thinks every McDonald's employee wants to make eye contact with him because he looks
like a secret shopper. Dave has the opposite problem.

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Jun 24
This week we learn the secret of why D.M. couldn't see Matt in New York. I won't spoil it here, but it involves a face plant.  And an X-Men like healing factor.

Todd's kids, kept out of water parks by horrible skin diseases (caused by water parks), have been watching Full House on Nick at Nite. Todd loves it, except for the lisping daughter and idiot Uncle Joey and his two cartoon voices.
BTW - your childhood is now on Nick at Nite. (Including Urkel crossovers.)

Todd's daughter is all up in a church camp, but Todd thinks he may be an apathetic agnostic... he doesn't know and he doesn't care!

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